Fix your fixed mindset: You are taking yourself too seriously.
Getting over yourself is the path to healing.
Are you guilty of saying ‘I'm not going to change’, ‘this is how I am’, ‘I am used to doing things this way’?. It’s alright- we are only humans with egos ready to protect (or sabotage) us. Let’s dig a little deeper: Why might you be refusing change? My answer is you are comfortable with the persona you made of yourself and it would be catastrophic for you to admit defeat.
As life goes by we create agreements with ourselves that rule the way we perceive the world, how we react to stimuli and how we behave. The agreements that arrived to us come from experiences, bad or good, that happened, and we choose to welcome them as true. We actively decide to act a certain way, to see the outside world with a specific pair of goggles that shape reality according to our current necessities. An example of an agreement could be assuming people are talking about you; believing you know everything and need to have the last word or taking things too personally.
Change agreements = healing.
To heal from experiences, feelings, points of view, trauma, etc, could be a rocky road to drive through nonetheless, we should all get in the car and see where the highway gets us to. Healing looks very different to everybody and it happens at different stages of life, it takes longer for some people, but the outcome should always be better than what we had because it involves growth.
Your new life is going to cost you your old one.
It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense
of direction. — Briana Weist
Detaching from our current self is a painful process, but mostly eye-opening. Our egos feel threatened to let go of the mask that precedes us and this is probably because you are too attached to your own self.
What could be the first step to take? Work on developing a growth mindset.
Fixed vs Growth mindset
Carol’s Dweck insights from Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, in which she studies the power of our beliefs (conscious and unconscious), shows that the most basic beliefs we maintain about ourselves are mostly related to how we view what we take on to be our personality. She goes on to explain and separate the Fixed vs Growth mindsets.
A ‘fixed mindset’ assumes that our intelligence, character, and ability to be creative are static givens that cannot be changed in any worthwhile way. Striving for success and avoiding failure at any price become a way of maintaining the sense of being smart, right, completed.
On the other hand, a ‘growth mindset’ blossoms on the potential challenge of changing and does not see defeat or failure as evidence of weakness, but rather as opportunities to becoming better.
Dweck also found that a growth mindset creates a passion for learning rather than a hunger for approval. Luckily for all of us, this is something that could be cultivated through effort and practice, just as capacities like love and friendship.
How you manage any of these two mindsets will shape your capacity for happiness.
Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? — Carol Dweck
Growth mindset + Less self-control/attachment = LOVE.
I'm not a fan of the classic self-help book quote ‘YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING’. No, you can’t do everything, it is in our perfectly imperfect human nature to have limitations. The amount of pressure one can carry on the shoulders by the concept of being capable of handling and being good at everything will most likely result in anxiety, sadness which might later evolve into worst scenarios.
The idea I am currently holding on to is ‘IF YOU WANT TO, TRY YOUR BEST, SEE WHAT HAPPENS AND BE OPEN TO LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE’ (I know it is not as catchy, will probably not win quote of the year), and also ‘DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.’ This last idea is connected to trying to be less in control and less attached to oneself, to one’s agreements and perspectives.
Somebody once told me we don’t see with our eyes but our minds. Once you realize you are capable of challenging your agreements and moving from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset you will get better at being in this rollercoaster world.
